


Birthright

by RobertDowneyAWESOME



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Female Character, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Daddy Issues, Domestic Violence, Even though it isn't romance, F/F, F/M, Gay Male Character, I don't like dialogue, Jimmy Evans' A+ Parenting, Lightly Canon Complient, Mental Health Issues, Meredith was his person before jo, Merlex friendship, Mommy Issues, Most likely inaccurate depiction of schizophrenia, Owen hunt is garbage but I won't bash him because it's bad writing, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Schizophrenia, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Story about healing from trauma, author is not a therapist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2020-03-14 17:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18952489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobertDowneyAWESOME/pseuds/RobertDowneyAWESOME
Summary: "Amber always wondered how she would describe her mother, Helen Karev. Alex and Aaron had Helen for years before she went crazy. The only experience she had with sane Helen was when the woman remembered her medication and that was rare enough. She knew how Alex would do it, he would try and explain how she’d been before, before the crazy and before Jimmy did drugs and used her as a punching bag for the better part of 10 years. Librarian Helen who whispered bed time stories like secrets and hid kind words in his lunch everyday that made him smile when the world treated him like Shit."Post S7ep08, Aaron is in a mental institution, Amber is at her Aunt's and Alex is back at the hospital.Disclaimer: This is most likely not an accurate portrayal of schizophrenia but I'll do my best.





	1. Simple As That

**Amber**

Rain crept through the worn tiles on the roof of the diner and hit the menu in front of her. The soft country playing in the jukebox at the far side of the establishment muffled any noise the drop might have made. Her small thumb brushed it aside and pushed the menu across the booth. She’d been coming here for years and she knew her order by heart and that the waiter would be over any moment, so she took out one of her earbuds. Or, if she was lucky, her favorite cook would be working right now and come over to take her order himself.

"Amber.” Not a question, a statement. She’d gotten lucky and he was standing right in front of her wiping his hands on his towel and giving her that special Bo smile that made her face warm. The crinkle around his eyes deepened and she knew that she was blushing because that always made him smile more.

“Bo.” She shot back, signature Karev sass keeping her confident. Instead of sassing her further he leaned against the booth, giving her a good look at his fit frame when his t shirt tightened.

 “I presume you’d still like my signature burger.” It was special and to this day she didn’t know what was in the sauce or how he’d come up with it, but it was her favorite food in the whole wide world.

 “You bet I do.” His smile got a little sweeter in the eyes and she handed him her menu. “I don’t know why y’all still bother giving me this.” She paused again then added, “I know what I want.”

Bo’s eyebrows nearly hit his hairline and he gave her a chuckle. “Well yes ma’am, I’ll get right on that for you.” He took the menu and gave her a little bow and walked off greeting several patrons and flashing them his kind Bo Richard smile.

 With that taken care of she began to rummage through her bookbag. It was tattered, worn and years old when most would get a new one every year. However, her family could not really afford things like that not with her brother being put away so recently. She froze suddenly struck by the memory and her hand hovered over her physics textbook. Like clockwork, her leg began to ache sympathetically, and her hand followed it track where the wound began at her outer thigh and towards where the wound had been the deepest, her inner thigh. The rest of her thigh followed suite along her throat, and she closed her eyes. Amber could hear her own breath getting faster and, God, it smelled like copper and Aaron and urine and fear, it felt like death was creeping up at her and a voice was yelling in her head even louder than her breathing and

“Amber!” Her head snapped up and she jerked so hard that the table shoved forward into the seat across from her. Bo was standing near her, careful not to tower over her. His eyebrows were drawn together in worry but not deeply and she took that to mean she’d only been that way for a little while. A smell, warm and familiar, made Amber’s head snap towards the plate in Bo’s hand, held carefully away from her. Evidently, she’d been down long enough for him to make that burger. Damn.

The silence between them weighed heavily, Amber struggled to look away from him.

 “Darlin’, are you okay?” Her eyes drifted and met his. Bo and her had been arguing about him calling her that for the longest. It was all good natured, of course, and hearing the nickname nearly made her tell him what was wrong. Instead she straightened the booth table and reached for the plate.

 “Yeah, just real hungry.” She gave him a smirk, cocky and confident, and the worried look on his face deepened.

 

* * *

**Aaron**

The people in white never believed him. They thought he was crazy. He knew what crazy looked like; his mother had been crazy his whole life.

He was just trying to tell them what was hiding behind the faces and that he knew who they were.

Simple as that.

Maybe they were angry that he’d shouted it, but they had to hear him over the buzzing and the flies and the bees and the trees and…

No one listened to him anymore. They ushered him from one room to the next and made him eat funny shapes and told him the faces weren’t real. He’d ask how that was possible because everyone had faces and they got really quiet, quiet and mad. Quiet and mad and mad and quiet. They gave him more funny shapes. Quiet and mad and mad and quiet and mad and…

His mind felt like soft blankets tucked around your feet, keeping them warm and still. Plush and comfy around the toes of his brain and his mind felt like it was under the covers. His mind felt like it was under the covers except there was no book and no flashlight and it was too hot, but he couldn’t pull his head out of the covers. It was stuffy and hot and soft around the toes and he was just trying to tell them about the faces and that he knew who they were.

Simple as that.

No one listened to him anymore.

 

* * *

**Amber**

 She’d never really explained her family to anyone. She didn’t really have friends, and the friend that she did have she met in a foster home and he knew better than to ask those sorts of questions.

Anyway, Amber always wondered how she would describe her mother, Helen Karev. Her experience was way different from her brothers. Alex and Aaron had Helen for years before she went crazy. The only experience she had with sane Helen was when the woman remembered her medication and that was rare enough. She knew how Alex would do it, he would try and explain how she’d been before, before the crazy and before Jimmy did drugs and used her as a punching bag for the better part of 10 years. Librarian Helen who whispered bed time stories like secrets and hid kind words in his lunch everyday that made him smile when the world treated him like Shit.

Aaron was different, he hadn’t had that long of a time with her before the crazy really set in. Sometimes Amber felt his anger behind his kind Aaron like good nature or his fear whenever Helen walked behind him in the kitchen. He’d say "She was good sometimes _but_ other times she was blank blank blank". His story would be a whole lot of _buts_. Like he knew she was good _but_ don’t turn your back or you might get stabbed. Just like how Amber knew Aaron was good _but_ don’t turn your back ‘cause she got stabbed.

To her, Helen was Helen. She never took care of her, not in any way she could remember. She was always an obstacle like Jimmy. Smaller Amber didn’t particularly give a shit why her mother attacked her with a steak knife; she was just glad that Bubba was there to stop it. Because her mother was who she was, she had a deadbolt on her bedroom door and locked it every night before she tried to sleep. Helen and Amber orbited around each other and never made contact and Amber made sure of that. Some days she really wondered if she loved her and if Helen wasn’t just a stranger in her home that could turn on her at any moment.

It barely mattered these days because she was staying with her Aunt. Alex found out that their mother wasn’t taking her medication and promptly took her to their Aunt’s house. It was deep in the country and freaked her out but there was no Helen there and now there was no Aaron.

She finally managed to pick out her physics textbook and read without thinking too hard about the ache in her leg.


	2. Bubba

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to the story you guys. I'm really shakey on the time line here but it looks like a a month or so after the whole Alex/April Virginity crap and I'll follow it loosely from there.

**Amber**

When Amber was real young, her Aaron and Alex, her Bubba, all shared one room and one bed. They all slept in that raggedy ass twin bed until Aaron and Bubba got too big, even when Amber stayed small, and Bubba started sleeping on the floor.  Before that happened though Aaron slept closest to the window all curled up, even though it took up a lot of room, with his back pressed up against Bubba’s leg and his body enveloped in blankets with his head peaking out like a little prairie dog. Amber was always pressed between Bubba and Aaron where it was the most warm and the most safe. Bubba was closest to the door and slept on his back with one hand in Amber’s unruly curls and half his body hanging off the side.

Slept was actually a strong word. With their mother being bat shit crazy and their father being a violent drug addict, it was important for him to be ready for anything that came their way. So many times, Amber had woken up to find Bubba tense and staring at the door with his eyes looking as dark as it had been when she’d finally fallen asleep. When she tried to ask him about it, he only shushed her and hummed until she fell back asleep. Even though she should have been scared of what was happening beyond their bedroom door, smooshed against Bubba’s side and Aaron’s back was the safest she ever felt.

* * *

**Alex**

Meredith was giving him that look, that Meredith look that said she knew something was up and she wasn’t going to leave until he explained. He tossed his cellphone onto the counter and tried to avoid her “I’m Meredith and I’m dark and twisty so I’m the authority on all things seriously fucked up” look. Ever since the April virginity debacle he’d been staying out of sight and trying to sleep in on call rooms because he was too chicken shit to face Jackson and April. He knew he would have to apologize or explain, and the thought made the ball of ever-present anger tighten in his chest.

That wasn’t why she was staring at him though. His shoulders hunched under the weight of her stare and his handle curled tightly around his coffee mug. He was thankful when Derek walked in with some Neuro case on his mind distracting her momentarily, but not before she gave him a “this isn’t over” look. Alex escaped quickly avoiding eye contact and snatching his phone back intent on getting a head start in the bathroom.

And there was Lexie coming down the stair, eyes accusing and hostile. She was still pissed, and he understood. Her resentment was always there bubbling under the surface and he knew what she thought about him: that he was an asshole, that he never loved her and that he flaked on her. And he knew what he thought: that a blonde hysterical screaming Lexie asking if a patient wanted her to kill them was an impeccable impression of his mother, Helen Karev.  He avoided her too and stomped up the stairs angrily putting his feelings on her and ignoring her huff of irritation at his utter disregard of her feelings. Alex couldn’t care less. She was better off without him anyway.

Contrary to popular belief Alex wasn’t as confident as he led on. Now he wasn’t a whiny bitch baby by any means, in fact he was hot and smart, but he knew his place. He was that guy that you brought home for a quick fuck that made you feel dirty in the best way, that you prayed was gone before your husband came home. Every time he got uppity and tried to act like he was more than that he got smacked down. It was better not to try, even when the prospect of Lucy was looming like a darkness in the corner of his mind that he tried not to think about.

He kept his face tight in a typical Alex scowl and ignored Jackson, in the bathroom primping like a chick, and April, scurrying around like an anxious rat and made his way to his room with the his phone held tightly in his grip, the recent call from the Mental Health Institute in Iowa making it feel as heavy as a brick in his hand.

* * *

**Amber**

Her Aunt Margaret was a pretty typical Karev all things considered. Even though she changed her name for the fourth time to Mrs. Margaret Johnson you could see all that Karev in the angry crease her forehead and subtle crazy in her eyes. To be honest, no one was ever clear on what the Helen and Margaret’s childhoods were like but if the batshit crazy woman, her mother she guessed, and this living embodiment of neurosis sitting across the table from her were any indication, it must have been fucked up.

“Don’t you want to maybe fix your hair a little, sweetheart,” The slight twitch of her left eye and the strain of her smile told her that it wasn’t just the hair. It was the messy ponytail, the too large sweater, which was Bubba’s, the awkwardly sized jeans, which were Aaron’s, and the muddy boots from Goodwill on her spotless kitchen floor

“Leave her alone.” Curt, quiet, leaving no room for argument coming from the head of the table. Honestly, Amber couldn’t even remember what Lucius’ face looked like at this point his head was just a newspaper. She didn’t like him and at this point she felt like she had a nose for this sort of thing. He kind of reminded her of her father, had he been in any sort of way put together. He was never fully present in the room but only reared his ugly head to say some cutting thing to her Aunt that made her shoulders lower and her smile tighten until Amber was sure her lips were cracking. It had been a while since she’d felt the uneasy atmosphere that came from her mother’s fear, and her crazy but that was besides the point, and his father’s overwhelming anger. The only difference was the control, while Jimmy Evans shot off like a firecracker at any moment striking whoever was closest, Mama or Bubba because Bubba never let him near his siblings, Luscious Johnson was cold and controlled.

She didn’t know which was worse.

* * *

**Alex**

Maybe he was a bitch baby, he’d been avoiding the authority on all things dark and twisty Meredith, the resentful Lexie, bottle of anxiety April, righteously angry Jackson, and whatever shrink was on the other side of his phone. The only one left was Arizona and he knew once she caught on to his bitch baby behavior, she’d start asking questions. Unfortunately, she was actually in charge of him most of the time now and she could bench him until he talked. God forbid Bailey catch wind that he was hiding something

He threw the chart from his most recent case onto the bed and rubbed his temples.

“Alex.” Fuck. Fuck. There she was all knowing somehow like she could feel his frustration from a mile away. To be fair, he had never been good at hiding how he felt. Or, more accurately, he’d stopped hiding how he felt after he’d left home. Or maybe it was a bit of both. Either way Meredith was standing there all worried and concerned like she didn’t know that he could take care of himself. He felt himself hunker down and stand his ground because sometimes that’s all he knew how to do. He met her eyes.

“What.” Clipped, clearly a warning but Meredith never scared easy.

“What’s going on with you? You got that phone call and now you’re acting all weird. Is it your brother?” She sat on the bed and he pulled his leg away like the touch hurt and crossed his arms trying to show her that he wasn’t going to talk.

“Nothing is wrong. Not everyone has the weird soap opera bull that you have going on.” Now Meredith was exasperated, she did the sigh thing and leaned back and away. She still looked worried though and that made him angry too like everything else did. “Can you just leave me alone! If I felt like talking I would; not everything needs to be talked out.”

“Who called?”

“None of your business.” He snapped too fast and cursed at himself in his head, now she knew it was the phone call. Well she’d known but he’d just confirmed it.

“So you get this mystery call-“  
“It’s none of your business.” He snapped again ready to stand and yell and push at her because she was too close, and it hurt.

“So, you get this mystery call,” she continued like he hadn’t said anything at all,” and you won’t look at Lexie or even talk to April or Jackson. How long do you think you can keep acting like this before Arizona, Bailey or Richard notice?”

He huffed messing with the pant leg of his scrubs and looking away now not quite knowing where to go now that the hunkering down failed and she wasn’t scared or frustrated enough by his scowl to leave him alone in It, whatever It was.

Meredith knew about Aaron and Amber, not all of it but enough to know that the phone call and his reluctance to talk about it probably meant it was family related. She was silent and waiting for him to answer like he knew what to say. That’s what Alex hated about this the most.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell her, it was that he didn’t know how. Back when Alex was home and hiding his dad’s bullshit so he could be home and take care of his siblings and his mother, and then later when he was hiding his mother’s craziness so he could protect his siblings all he did was lie. He lied to teachers, guidance counselors, coaches and parole officers every day. His whole life had been a lie and he couldn’t tell if the things he remembered were real or just another lie. He’d never talked about his family before and he didn’t know how to do it now.

“Aaron is worse. The drugs aren’t working; he’s still bat shit.” To the point, cut and dry, that was Alex’s way. Meredith gave him that look, a different one, not pity or something that would make Alex fly off the handle but one that said: “that sucks” an “it is what it is”. It was an acknowledgement and that made the angry knot loosen like he wasn’t some freakshow the other kids liked to ogle at, like he would lose his mind any second.

“Okay.” He looked away at the okay. Somehow, in the weird Meredith way, it made it better like sure it was another thing, a shitty thing, but that they could handle it. “Did they say what they were going to do?”

“Yeah, try some other meds and see what happens. Maybe he just has a special type of crazy.” He snorted and Meredith gave him a small snort too that you only got if you had a fucked up family. He knew Aaron had schizophrenia, he knew that, but maybe it was a special schizophrenia that was harder to treat and that’d be pretty typical of a Karev to get special super schizophrenia. It was hard to think of Aaron that way, all confused and stumbling from hallucination to hallucination in a tiny room and not knowing who anyone was, or where he was and…

He preferred not to think of it at all.  After all he’d raised those kids. The thought stuck in his chest and he nearly choked on it. He could feel his eyes misting because small, nice Aaron who’d spent most of his time scribbling with cheap colored pencils in spare notebooks Alex stole from the school and reading any book that he could find lying around the house under the covers with a flashlight like Alex wouldn’t notice because they shared the same damned bed for years, was sick. And the odds are he was going to spend years in the nut house because that was the Karev way.

“That’s good, they’re trying something else. Is Amber doing okay?” The answering wince was so harsh and it’s meaning was clear, he hadn’t spoken to his sister in almost a month. He’d called maybe once a week after the incident just to see if she was okay and if their mom was back on her meds. Amber had said sure and fuck if I know and hung up. She’d sounded so different so much colder like she knew Alex wasn’t going to call again and she was right because he didn’t because he’s a coward.

“Alex?” He was a coward, and mom was still crazy, and Aaron was new crazy, and Amber hated him. Amber got hurt and Aaron was still hurting, and he was hurting because he raised those kids.

“Alex?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know where I'm going from here so leave some suggestions. 
> 
> Couple of notes  
> 1\. I got some inspiration by the episode with the spiritual ladies that said Alex's chakras were blocked because whatever bad thing went on for so long that he can't talk about it or something like that. I like the idea that he had to lie about it for so long and that it was most likely so traumatic that he can't straighten out how much of it he repressed, actually happened or was part of the web of lies he had to tell so he could keep an eye on his siblings.
> 
> 2\. I love the horror movie Hereditary and I'm drawing some inspiration from that too so be prepared for that in terms of family grief and maybe hallucinations. 
> 
> 3\. While I think Jimmy fucked him up pretty back, I think it was also probably pretty traumatic to be the main caregiver for your seriously mentally ill mother for a lot of your childhood
> 
> 4\. Lexie- My theory is that Lexie losing her shit and having to be committed was reminiscent of Rebecca/Ava but also Helen Karev having a breakdown and that's why he was so afraid to deal with her. I also hate when people act like he betrayed her by saying he was in love with Izzie in 6x24(even though I despise that woman) as though she wasn't in love with Mark the entire time


	3. A Lamp in the Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shits hitting the fan, or the lamp in this case.   
> Trigger warnings: Panic attacks

**Amber**

 Bo was making that damned face again, the “I know something is wrong face”, it told her he knew about the ache in her leg, the missed medication, the neurotic Aunt and the looming, for now “uncle”. She stabbed her fork into the plate and refused to look at him again, instead she decided to focus on her textbook. It was torn and ratty like her sweater, like her jeans, like her boots, like her-

She clenched her fists tightly taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly like the stupid shrink from the hospital said.

“Did you catch the game? I told you the Giants would win.” He asked her casually, relaxing into the chair and easing into the white noise of the cafeteria. She snorted and nudged him roughly, the indignation shocking her out of her thoughts.

“Are you kidding me! That whole thing was bullshit and you know it!” They slid into their back and forth, easy as ever. The rest of the table, Rebecca, Leon and Jessica tumbled into the conversation like a dog pile and although she didn’t quite smile, she felt the tension ease out of her shoulders.

* * *

**Alex**

“You gotta be freakin’ kidding me!” He tossed the suture on the table of the skills lab and slammed his hands down. It was a simple stitch or at least it should have been simple now that he was about to be a 5th year resident. Why was nothing ever Simple?

He gripped the table hard, feeling the tension in his fingers and watching the tips go pale as he squeezed harder and harder.

“What’s up with you evil spawn?” Alex released the table like he’d been burned. Only when he realized who had to be speaking did he calm down. He was grateful that it wasn’t Meredith, or the other residents and that Cristina shared a mutual hatred for sappy crap.

“Stupid running whip stitch.” Alex shoved it away and reached for his sandwich instead. At least food didn’t care about sappy crap, give him weird all-knowing looks or force him to talk.  
“You’re still working on that? Jeez evil spawn you should have it down now that you’re playing stork full time.” Cristina slid into the stool in front of him and grabbed the suture and did it perfectly. Of course. His brow twitched and he bit at the sandwich more aggressively.

He should have known that not quipping back at her would alert her to his mood but thankfully Cristina was Cristina.

“You’re probably too tense. What was it?” Alex’s tensed shoulders taut and ready. “Was Lexie doing her creepy death ramble or was April bitching about the rules and regulations of the clinic protocol.”

He couldn’t help but snort at her nasal impersonation of April despite the shame that rested heavy on him.

“Mer’s been on my ass lately and I need to focus without all her interfering dark and twisty crap.” Cristina shrugged and nodded taking one of his chips, he glared and snatched one of her fries. An eye for an eye, he figured. They went back and forth until he nearly stabbed her hand with her own plastic fork and judging by her glare and reluctance to retaliate that their little battle was over.

“She’s just looking out for you, you know?” She acted nonchalant and licked her spoon. Alex rolled his eyes and gave a little nod just enough to let her know that he got it, but he wasn’t going to sit here and whine about it.

“Here you guys are!” Alex nearly walked but now that they saw him, he didn’t want to seem like a punk. Meredith found her place beside him, definitely not unusual but subtly providing a buffer between him and Lexie who took up her other side.

“Yes, here we are having a quiet lunch.” Cristina gave them all a withering look, probably because April immediately began to talk and then Lexie continued and now they were chittering and chattering like a couple of hens or little rats. Alex bit his sandwich again and tried to ignore them, but his head was starting to hurt and his leg was starting to fidget and he could feel Jackson willing him to start something and April’s embarrassment and shame and tears and Lexie pulling up the rear with her resentment and anger and it was all pointed at him and-

“Alex?” Meredith nudged him. Crap, she was never going to let him get away with this and Cristina was eyeing him like something was actually wrong now and not in the way that she could ignore in her Cristina way.

“What?” He snapped at her a little too angry and now they were all being quiet and looking at him and the healing cuts and the healing bruises on his face hurt because Jackson was staring at him like he wanted to give him a couple more. The worst part is that he understood it, he got it, what it was to want to protect the women in your life from the man that hurt them.

“I said Stark’s really a piece of work. You know, because he didn’t come help with the kid’s post op complication because he was at some restaurant.” He could see her giving him a lifeline and searching his face. Alex fought to close it off even more, he slunk back in his chair.

“Yeah, he’s a real asshole.” He bit out, noncommittedly. She pursed her lips a little and turned back to the group continuing the story without him, about how Stark yelled at them even though she and Alex did the surgery perfectly and the kid was recovering just fine. She even nudged Alex and tried to give him props.

Lexie snorted. His eyes snapped towards her and flicked back to his food. The table was quiet now with everyone looking between him and Lexie waiting for them to say something and for all the tension to explode.

“Okay, I can’t deal with this shit anymore.” He could tell Meredith was trying to stop Cristina if the thud and grunt of pain were anything to go by. “C’mon Mer, I can tell you’re over this. So what if Alex still loves Izzie, it’s not like you didn’t have a hard on for McSteamy the whole time you guys were boning or dating or whatever. And Jackson’s acting like some, weird guard dog even though April’s a grown ass woman. And God April, no one’s saying Alex didn’t do something crappy but he’s evil spawn it has nothing to do with you. Lose your virginity or keep your virginity nobody cares.”

She shrugged as if she’d just recited the procedure for a tracheotomy. Alex hunkered down and tried to ignore the silence around the table, he could guess there reactions now Lexie would want to deny it, that her and Sloan hadn’t still been into each other, Jackson would bark about how Alex should’ve know better and April would be doing the weird fish mouth gaping thing and be redder than her hair.

“And Alex has been acting like some whiny neutered puppy for the better part of a week and his lack of evil spawness is frankly worrying. You fucked up. We all fuck up, get in our heads and sometimes hurt the people around us, doesn’t make it okay but it is what it is. Apologize, move on, do better. Stop acting like a bitch baby.”

And with that Cristina Yang finished her yogurt and arched her brow at him, daring him to act like she wasn’t right.

Alex narrowed his eyes at her and straightened up. A whiny neutered puppy, a bitch baby. His jaw clenched and unclenched. No one had still said anything, and he felt his anger rising. A whiny neutered puppy, a bitch baby. Who the fuck did she think she was? Like Cristina knew anything about him and about April or Jackson or Lexie or Sloan. She was just butting in, acting like she new everything. He could feel Meredith moving closer to him, could sense that she could sense that he was about to lose his Shit on everyone in this room.

“I’m not into him,” Lexie’s voice peeped up and in a second all of his anger rushed out of him and he was back, grounded hunkered down and fidgeting and hungry even though he just ate the sandwich. He should’ve gotten a BLT but since the shooting he couldn’t run, and he could feel the elastic from his scrubs digging into his hips and his stomach pressed stubbornly against the shirt.

“Whatever. Fuck this.” It was easy to leave now that he knew they thought he was a whiny neutered puppy and a bitch baby.

* * *

**Amber**

She snuck away from the cafeteria, from the table, from the school and now she was back at The House. It was only a bus ride away and now she was standing there. It felt like a scene out of Monster House. The faded paint was more chipped than anything at this point, the porch was rotting, and the door was repainted several times over, on the inside and the outside ‘cause the finger scratches and the knife scratches  were scary to them and worrying to the neighbors. She remembered Bubba painting It over for years and then Aaron and now maybe she would too.

Objectively, painting the inside, where the knife had grazed it before hitting her leg, would probably help Helen forget It ever happened, like It was a psychotic episode or some crap or just a bad dream. But honestly why should she care, why should she check on Helen, and why was she looking at her mother right now.

Helen was always Helen.

Her blonde hair was greasy, dirty and pulled into a French braid, of course Alex put her hair in a fucking braid. She was posted up on the couch, about as ornamental as the fucking lamp. It was obvious, by the awful smell that punched her in the face as soon as she opened the door, that Helen hadn’t moved in several days.

“Get up.”

No movement, nothing. Her eyes were empty and glassy like-

“Get. Up.” She took some careful steps closer and there were the pills on the coffee table her antipsychotics and her antidepressants unused. She could see it now the tear tracks on the woman’s face. Her face was blank as anything, stony and empty and so were her eyes but she knew this look, that gone but not dead look. How long had she been unable to move? Jesus fucking Christ it smelled.

“GET UP, MOM,” She screamed it by the door. Why the fuck was it always the same? She choked on her anger unwilling to come closer. What if it was a ruse? What if this was some elaborate defense plan against the stupid bats?

“I can’t do this again. You can’t be this again.” Her shoulders shook and her face was wet, but she couldn’t put it together, all that It meant. The braid, the gone but not dead eyes, the grease, the missed medication, the piss and the shit, the bats and-

Her shoulders shook, she couldn’t pull it together and she couldn’t breathe and it was just so useless and so was she and she couldn’t breathe and her mommy was just sitting there all over again vacant and empty and just a lamp in the corner.

* * *

**Meredith**

If looks could kill at this point Cristina would be dead. She’d been broaching the subject for a while now talking trying to talk but not pry and definitely not shove the vulnerability in his face. Alex would always flee whenever weakness, or emotion as normal people called it, was shoved in his face. Whenever he was told he needed help, he would always run. He was definitely three years ago Meredith that way.

Admittedly, maybe this was what he needed. To have it shoved in his face so he could stop hiding. And maybe Cristina was the right one to do it, at least she wouldn’t hover like Baily or Arizona.

“If he’s going to be an asshole, he can’t just get off the hook every time.” Jackson was grumbling and grumpy like he had been whenever Alex was around. Lexie was sputtering denial, even though everyone knew it was true, and April was still red. Overall, maybe it was what they all needed.

“She’s right.” Her eyebrows shot up. April? She would’ve thought that April would avoid this subject for the rest of their residency and then go far, far away and act like this never happened. “He knows what he did was wrong. I know what he did was wrong. What more is there?”

“I’m sorry, you’re just going to forgive him and let him act like this. April you’re being a little naïve.” There was Jackson again, her eye twitched, he meant well, everyone here knew he did, but honestly the older brother routine was getting a touch old. Maybe that was because she knew what was wrong, that Alex wasn’t being Evil Spawn out of spite but out of hurt and fear.

“I do forgive him not for him but for me.” April, tomato faced and nasally, stood her ground.

“What about revenge? How come he gets to be an asshole and we just have to forgive him?” As always being very dramatic. Meredith gave her a look that meant “you are being dramatic, and this is why we didn’t get along originally.”

“Cristina didn’t say anything about forgiveness. We’re each other’s people and we stick together.” A snort and a huff. “Even when we don’t like each other. Alex is Dirty Uncle Sal- “

“Does he know you call him that yet?” She gave Crisitina evil eyes again.

“Alex is Dirty Uncle Sal which means even though he messes up and does shady things we invite him to the family reunions and stuff because he is family.”

“Well you know what? He isn’t my family.” Jackson left decidedly in a huff, but Lexie remained with her pout and her denial.

A phone buzzed on the table and April jumped, choking a little on her salad. Underneath the bag of chips was Alex’s phone with screen cracked despite the worn case. She grabbed it ignoring the indignant squawk from April.

“You can’t do that. You shouldn’t do that; Alex will be mad.” It buzzed again and turned the phone over and saw Amber through the crack in the middle of the screen.

“That’s Alex’s little sister!” Lexie chirped and practically vibrated with excitement. “We should answer it right, it could be an emergency and we should answer.”

“This is a bad idea.” Cristina was shaking her head and she was right; when Alex found out about this, he was going to lose his shit. Then she thought about committed Aaron and the off her meds mother, and the injured sister who was calling right now and suddenly, the phone was by her ear and there was sobbing in her ear.

“Hello? Is this Amber?” She tried to make something out of the crying, but it was a mess if she was going to be honest. Her face scrunched up in worry and she could see the other faces in the room reflecting hers.

“Who are you?” She sounded so small, the girl, hopefully Amber. With all the hiccupping and the sobbing, she could barely make it out. She placed a hand on the mic and gave them all a serious “I will murder you” face.

“If any of you say a peep about this to anyone but Alex, I will kill you.” She placed the phone on the table and hit speaker phone.

“This is Meredith. I’m Alex’s friend he wasn’t by his phone, so I answered. Is everything okay?” Everything was most certainly not okay if the quick breathes and the sobs were any indication.

“It’s mom. She’s- Oh my god.” April shot out of her seat and out the door faster than she’d ever seen him move and Cristina was quick to page Alex. She didn’t care so long as one of them got him in the room.

“Can you take some deep breathes for me and tell me what’s going on with your mother?” There was more quick breathing and Meredith knew the girl was hyperventilating, probably having a panic attack.

“Can’t- Can’t bre- She’s just sitting there. Fuck!” Her eyebrows shot to her forehead. It still didn’t make sense, none of it made sense.

“Can you do something for me then? Can you tell me five objects in the room you can see?”

“What?”

“Five objects!” There was a confused silence and she was still breathing too fast. Meredith was worried she was going to pass out.

“Lamp,” Amber choked out and then another sob and a curse. She really was a Karev. “Couch.”

“That’s great you’re doing great, three more.” The girl bit out three more words sounding less and less scared and more pissed off. Definitely a Karev.

“Now can you tell me what’s wrong with your mother? Did you already call 911?” Meredith asked focused on the phone, knowing the two other doctors were crowded around her.

“I don’t need 911. Mom’s just-she’s just- Is Alex there?” The girl was dodging the question sounding more annoyed, but she could still hear her shaking.

 “He’s on his way but I can help you. What’s going on with your mother,” She looked at Cristina and Lexie and took a deep breath. “Is it her medication? Is she off her medication?”

More inquisitive looks but it didn’t matter. Not if Alex’s mom or Amber was in trouble. A pause, no answer.

“Yea she- I think. Fuck, I can’t do this again. She’s been sitting there I think it’s been a couple days. She-she fucking shit herself so I assume it’s more than two. I don’t-“A soft gasp from Lexie, Meredith hit her with a sharp elbow to the side so she would shut up.

“She’s being fucking crazy again, so Alex needs to get here and deal with this. I can’t-this is not my damn job. It’s been like a week and she’s already this far gone, and he braided her fucking hair. I just-”

“Did you make sure she was breathing?” Meredith butted in. What if the woman was dead? What if she killed herself?

“I’m not going over there.” Panic in her voice and then her breathing started speeding up. “No, fuck you, dude. I’m not going over there, she’s not going to get me.”

“Amber it’s important that you call 911 okay?”

“No! I’m not calling an ambulance. She’s just fucking crazy okay. Just get Alex.”

* * *

**Alex**

It was that kind of feeling you get when you ran that he loved: heart racing, legs hurting until you couldn’t feel them or just enough that you couldn’t think anymore. Now a days it also meant that his chest hurt, and his side hurt and that it did nothing to numb his anger or his fear.  April was sprinting beside him weaving and dodging and dodging and weaving.

Amber called. Meredith answered. Amber was hurt or scared.

And somehow, he wasn’t there _again._

“No! I’m not calling an ambulance. She’s just fucking crazy okay. Just get Alex.”

Amber, small and scared trying to sound big and angry.

He snatched the phone up, gave Meredith a glare from hell and put the phone to his ear.

“Amber? What’s going on with mom?” He motioned for them to get out and saw Cristina walk out, April scurry and Lexie walk slower than he’d ever seen her walk, and, in that moment, he’d never hated her more. And that left Meredith, stubborn as a wall not moving for anything and in that moment, he had never hated her more too. He’d also never been more grateful because for all the ugly coming out of that phone she was unmoved and tethered to the spot watching him calmly, ready to tag him out if need be.

“You braided her hair.” Accusing, pretty typical of Amber.

“What? Amber what’s wrong with mom?”

“You need to come. She’s just sitting there, on the stupid couch. She’s been there for a couple days I guess because it smells like piss and shit in here. Helen is a mess and she’s crazy again. You need to be here” Monotone, which was unusual and concerned him.

“Amber, I just can’t-“  
“Do both. Or whatever half assed excuse you have. I don’t care, come deal with her.” His face contorted and he felt it all the anger, the rage, the fear, the frustration and the shame.

“Amber, just clean her up and you and Aunt Margaret- “He was getting pissed. He could see Meredith getting ready to get up and play dark and twisty referee.

“Are you stupid? I’m not going to wipe your mother’s ass just so you can play doctor and not have to take care of her. She’s your responsibility. You chose that, not me! If she wants to sit here and die, then she can fucking sit there and die.”  

“Are you freaking kidding me, Amber? She’s your mother you can’t leave her there.” Alex was yelling and Meredith was approaching, and It was all pressing down on his chest forcing all the anger out.

“The way I see it, she survived at least two days like this, and she can survive ten more hours too. If she really gave a fuck, she’d get off the couch. Either way, it’s not my fucking problem.” She finished yelling so loudly he had to pull the phone away and then it was just dial tone.

He looked at Meredith, and the phone was on the floor, and her hands were on his shoulders, and she was shaking him, and it was all muffled.

“I need to go back to Iowa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is not intentional bashing but I think we can all agree that Jackson tends to be self righteous and a petty and so is Lexie. As the story progresses they'll be more fleshed out. 
> 
> Also I love a good old fashioned unreliable narrator. I know that Amber's reaction was particularly harsh and a little evil but she doesn't feel the same amount of love or understanding that Alex does and she's pretty young.


	4. Today was a bad day, tomorrow will be better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finds his mom. Amber hates her family and it's pretty well founded. Meredith is worrying about Alex. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Implied child abuse, implied suicide attempt, meh understanding of schizophrenia

**Meredith**

She was worried. Ever since the shooting and the baby that never was, and Derek and the car, Cristina and the quitting and the wedding, and Alex and the stonewalling, she worried constantly. But now it was worse, Alex was clenching the wheel so hard his fingers were white and she swore that she could see his veins from here.

 She tried to speak, and he just reached for the radio and turned it up over her. They were something like four hours away from his house, he hadn’t taken his hands off the wheels yet and frankly she had to pee.

Her hand shot out and turned it down before he could move again.

“Alex, we need gas and I have to pee.” His brow furrowed even further, and she worried even further.

 

**Amber**

There was something about “Uncle” Lucius that made her feel like she was behind the corner peaking from behind the wall at Jimmy, while trying not to alert Bubba, who thought she was in the closet safe and hidden away. He would be sedentary in the chair for hours, like she would be hidden away in the closet for hours with Aaron and his stupid books and his pictures. He’d bee holding something glass and breakable that always exploded on the wall real loud like the fireworks their cousins brought ‘round sometimes.

She remembered once when they did ‘em in the yard of their real uncle’s yard and it almost hit Bubba just like the things that Jimmy held. It didn’t matter now because Uncle Merle was dead and Jimmy was gone and Alex was gone and coming, like he always did for Helen, and “Uncle” Lucius was in the chair by the window and she could only see the top of his nearly bald head like she could only see Jimmy’s arm and the glass things from the corner.

“Why weren’t you at school?” Fuck.

“Why aren’t you at work?” That’s when she saw his face. It was the kind of face that you always imagined the villain in the books to be wearing, all tight skin like wax paper that didn’t quite fit over the sharp angles of his bones. “Uncle” Lucius’ eyes were tight. She’d overstepped, she’d known she’d overstepped. She could feel her body shaking and her chest tightening because he was in front of her like he’d never been in the chair and like he was as tall as Aaron and almost as angry.

Silence, total silence. Her breath came faster, and she knew what he was doing and hated that it affected her, and that he knew. Her eyes flittered towards his face and the too-tight paper skin and the eyes and she knew what it all meant and why he was still silent.

“Uncle” Lucius was savoring it, her fear. He was looking at her like she was Aunt Margaret and quiet at the breakfast table, and quiet at church, and quiet everywhere now. Like he had control.

“Fuck this and fuck you.” She pulled away and he had her in a second pulled her up by the wrist to face him again, looking her in the eyes like if she blinked or winced that’d be all the probable cause he needed. She was on her tip toes, wobbly and unsteady and her eyes were still red, and her face was still fucked up because of Helen and she knew how weak she looked.

“I don’t know what back alley or trailer park Margret managed to pick you up from,” His grip tightened, and she winced again all wobbly and unsteady and red and _weak_ , “but this is my house, girl. And you don’t question me in my house; you do as your told. You don’t sass me, _bitch_.”

Spittle hit her in the face, and she could feel it in the air that “Uncle” Lucius was going to hit her too. She heard a soft clatter and there was Aunt Margret, posted up in the corner just watching them with her hand clenching the cross around her neck. Amber knew what was going to happen, after all Aunt Margret might as well have been part of the wallpaper; she was just a part of the wall, empty and fucking tacky. She thought “Aunt” Margret would be too scared to move and just end up sitting there and watching but instead she walked away from it and instead went to the kitchen, turned on the radio to the same gospel songs and, from the sound of the clattering in there, began to start dinner.

Fuck her.

 

**Alex**

There it was. The House at the corner of the road, all chipped paint and rotten wood and dead bushes. It looked like it was about to fall over at any second and at the same time as if It was going to be the thing that killed him. He pulled into the drive and told Meredith to stay there and rushed into the house knowing damn well she was right behind him.

It’d been about a week since he’d left, and his mother was just sitting there and if the smell was anything to go by it had been a while. Alex grabbed her hands and knelt in front of her. Her hair was still tucked away into the braid because with all the crazy he could see when he came back, he knew that keeping her hair from becoming matted would help in the clean-up after.

There was _always_ an after, last week was before and this was the during.

He started with the routine neuro check, maybe she’d fallen maybe it wasn’t the same thing this time. Her pupils were equal and reactive, and she twitched when he did it.

“Mom?” Her mouth moved, air pushed from it like a whistle without the little ball and he felt tension leave his body. She wasn’t injured, of course that meant something much worse but at least she was responsive. She was just going through a bad patch; everyone goes through a bad patch. His mother would be fine, the incident with Aaron probably just set her off.

“C’mon, mom. It’s okay.” He pulled her up feeling the resistance in the tears that started coming down her face and when she tried to pull back towards the couch. She whispered that she couldn’t get up, that she couldn’t leave, broken phrases about all the whispers and the voices and so Alex whispered encouragement back.

“It’s okay, mom. Today was a bad day, tomorrow will be better.” Her face was buried in his chest and most of her weight was on him but that was okay. Whatever, if she needed to do that, if his mom needed him to carry her weight he would. He always would.

 

**Meredith**

Every so often, Meredith is astonished by Alex. Almost as astonished as when the smell in his house hit her for the first time. He’d yelled at her to stay there, angry in a scared kind of way so she went in to be back up, possibly for medical purposes, if Amber’s phone call was anything to go by. She’d never seen Alex’s mom before, never knew what to figure her to be like. At first, she’d thought that the woman would be a warm mother that spoiled him, like she always did other people’s moms, and that spoiling made Alex the misogynistic asshole he was when she first met him. Then when she’d met Aaron, she figured the woman would be one of those crazy people she’d seen on TV, despite the mandatory psych classes they’d all been forced to take. She’d figured the woman would be all over the walls and knife wielding and throwing things. Instead, a withered blonde woman sat in the corner, quiet and almost a part of the soiled couch.

Anyway, Alex. Peds Rockstar, Alex. All comforting, nurturing and encouraging when it really came down to it. He was picking his mother up, or really, practically dragging her off the couch, but she could see the gentle firmness in his grip and the soft voice he normally reserved for the young kids on the Peds floor. She could hardly pick up what he was saying but he could see it in his eyes and God in this moment he looked young and old, like he’d been here before and he’d keep being there but it didn’t matter because maybe It’d be different, even though It most definitely wouldn’t be.

She peeled off her coat and tossed it onto the kitchen table, closing the door behind her. While Alex cleaned his mother, she’d take care of the house. It was weird to think of this as Alex’s house, it was so small and cluttered, but she guessed in a way that was supposed to be comforting. The kitchen table was worn from years, chipped at the edges and chipped on the mismatched chairs that went with it even though one was some sort of folding chair. She pushed past it heading for the kitchen for some trash bags because those couch cushions needed to be obliterated.

She wondered how long Alex planned to keep this up before he finally committed her. He had to know as well as she did that Helen was a danger to herself and to others this way and that if Amber had not found her who knew how long she’d have sat there wasting away.

 

**Amber**

She’d laid there for about an hour now, forced into an awkward shape by the stupid ceramic bathtub. It was pristine and white and at this point she couldn’t give less of a crap about the dirt her boots were leaving in it. On the floor beside the tub her phone was still opened to the last text she’d sent Bo and the one he sent back and she had 30 minutes to put her shit into the raggedy bags she had and sneak out to his car.

It hadn’t been that bad, all things considered. Her ass hurt that was for sure but for all that control that son of a bitch had, it hadn’t hurt any more than Jimmy, at least Lucius had been consistent. After all, it was about taking that first hit and rationalizing the pain, going somewhere else and putting it deep down under the fury. You have to keep a straight face but not too much that they didn’t think you were hurting because then they’d tear you a new one trying to prove a point.

No, the hitting wasn’t the worst part; the hands on the wall and the spread legs and the lowered bottoms were the worst of it all. He’d hurt her pride and most days her rage and her pride were all she had.

But he’d been consistent, way more considerate than Jimmy, and the only thing she’d have to consciously hide was her wrist for a couple of weeks because she was sure it was going to be bruised.

The faucet had been staring back at her for a while now, distorting her image making her look more curled up, more oblong, more straightened out and nothing at all like she was. She put her dirty boot on the faucet and scraped it until she couldn’t see herself anymore.

 

**Alex**

He combed his hand through his mother’s wet hair, pulling it back into a new braid. He was glad not to have had to untangle her hair on top of the other mess he’d had to clean up. They were back in her bedroom now; he’d tucked her into the bed laying a quilt over top of her too and curled up next to her on top of it. She was red faced and vacant, having cried it all out while he bathed her and he knew mom would be out within the next fifteen minutes, so he stayed with her.

“Mom,” He whispered in his calm soothing voice, knowing anything could set her off again. She kind of pitched to the side trying to curl up and away from him and he felt that anger inside of him simmer. He was still furious at Amber and at himself.  He knew this stage, it was the beginning of it all, before the psychotic episode it was always this sadness, and then this, this _,_ emptiness was the climax.

He could feel it deep in his bones and it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He’d been here before; he knew about this and what came after and it wasn’t usually bad, but then again, she’d never been alone long enough to get this bad. Well, not since he’d been in foster care.

He was going to kill Amber.

 

**Meredith**

Derek called her thirty minutes into what was quite frankly the worst cleaning experience of her life. Other than the couch, there had been spoiled food in the fridge and pots, pans and broken dishes on the ground. The cabinets that she opened, looking for cleaning stuff and definitely not snooping, were a complete mixed up mess with random objects tossed in  and  the back door, nearly hanging of the hinges with a torn screen door, was blocked by a host of random items. She’d thought it was just some weird hoarder situation but then she noticed the windows in the back were covered in large pieces of black trash bags. Meredith guessed that Aaron or Alex’s mom was trying to keep something out, although she didn’t know what.

“When do you think you’ll be back?” She brushed her hair out her face and sat down on the front porch, ignoring the aching creak is gave in response.

“I don’t know. The situation over here is pretty bad. I don’t know what Alex is going to do.” She breathed in deeply, enjoying the fresh air.” He’s looking after his mom right now and then afterwards we have to track down Amber.”

“Are you sure this is really what you need to be doing right now? I know Alex is…one of your people,” Here eyebrow twitched a little at that. She appreciated that him acknowledging that Alex was a part of her little family, even if he wasn’t a part of Derek’s, but she could feel a big But coming,” but you’re in the middle of your residency and you really just got cleared. I just don’t know if you can be wasting this kind of time for something that has nothing to do with you.”

Now she was up and pacing on the porch, Meredith understood where he was coming from, but this was Alex, _her_ Alex. He was going through something right now and if she hadn’t had come, he would be all alone in It and would probably never have talked about it when he got back to the hospital. No, she was not going to leave him on his own.

“Look, I understand that, but Alex really needs someone right now and he doesn’t have anybody else.” She could hear Derek sighing and could almost imagine him rubbing his forehead in frustration. “Richard gave me the okay and he seemed pretty worried too. It’s going to be fine; everything will be fine. I need to go check on Alex. Goodbye, I love you.”

She could almost feel his disapproval and tried no to be too agitated by it. He loved her and he was worried about her, but Derek would never understand what it meant to have to make your own family when the other one failed you so badly.

Meredith shot off a quick text updating Cristina and then ventured back into the little one-story house. When she found them in the bedroom, Alex was curled protectively against his mother whose eyes were closed and seemed to be asleep. Or, well, she guessed the woman was because honestly, she was just as still as she’d been when they’d first entered the house. But Alex was allowing his frustration to show on his face, directly contrasting the soothing hand that was stroking his mother’s hair, and she knew he would never show his mother that he was upset knowing that it would only upset her.

She stepped into his line of sight, trying to not make too much noise. His eyes met hers and worry was etched into every line on his face; she hadn’t seen him this upset since Izzie got sick. She mouthed Amber at him, and his eyes closed as let out a deep, what she hoped was calming, breath. He gently eased off of the low bed, walked towards the bedroom door never really taking his heels off the ground and just easing past the mess of clothes, jewelry and trash on the floor, and motioned for him to follow her leaving the door open behind him.

 

**Alex**

“I gave her some sleeping pills so she should be out for the night,” Alex finally eyed the mess around them, feeling self-conscious of his mother and unwilling to make eye contact with Meredith. He had gone damn near a decade without another living soul knowing about his family, he’d hid every fucked up part of It because _It_ made up all the fucked up parts of him. But now, Meredith was here, she’d seen mom at her worst or at least darkest, mood wise. In fact, he could barely remember her becoming that comatose, but it was always like that when she went off her meds. First, she was fine, then the paranoia, the hallucinations and the mood swings. Mostly she swung between nothingness, sadness and anger. He could hardly remember her sitting for days on end but then again, mom had never been left alone for days before.  
“She’s uh-schizophrenic, you know.” He looked at the wall behind Meredith’s head, trying not tot think about her sitting in the broken down and rickety chairs, leaning forward against the chipped, scratched up, old table and giving him one of her patented looks,” Aaron’s psychotic break probably bummed her out. She stopped taking her meds before that anyway, I think, Aaron probably stopped remembering to give her them when he started losing it.”

He rubbed his hand down his face and hung his head for a moment. This was all so fucked.

“I think she started getting paranoid and then got depressed.” Meredith was silent and he couldn’t take all the waiting, his leg was bouncing, and pressure was mounting in his chest. She was going to think he was some sort of crazy, carny, psycho freak, even though she was Mer and she’d seen a lot but never the Karevs.  God, his chest was tight. She wasn’t going to talk to him anymore, even though she was Mer. Why was everything so hard? Why was it so hard to _breathe_? She was going to leave him all alone because that’s what happened when someone how found out about all the crazy or caught it from him an-

“Okay, okay. I hear you, Alex.” He peaked up at her and felt some tension ease out of shoulders and felt himself breathe easier because she was giving him a good look, the look that made it okay. Her face said this was bad, but we’ve seen worse and we were okay so this time we’ll be okay too. Meredith. “So, when are we going to take her to the hospital?”

An icy chill ran through Alex and he felt the panic start up. He was 22 and committing his mother again, dropping her off and calming her down through her pleas and her panic because the bats were in cahoots with the hospital and they were going to kill her. He was 18 and cleaning the deep scratches on his mother’s arms, that’d she had done to herself because the voices had told her where they were finally and he guessed they were under her skin, and he finally realized what he had to do. He was 12 and he was trying to calm her down because she had a knife and it wasn’t for him or Aaron or Amber, it was for her now. He was 7 and sitting in the bathtub with baby Aaron because mom had put them there and it was okay because she was finally moving again but not okay because there was a thud down stairs and when he got to her she was vomiting and twisting all around like a snake with pills all over the ground. He was 22 and 18 and 12 and 7 and it was happening all over again and again and again.

“Alex, I need you to breathe okay.” There was a hand on his back rubbing and then it was around his shoulder and holding him tightly. He hadn’t realized the pressure his chest had gotten that bad and he still didn’t realize it, but Meredith did, and she was still there. “I need you to tell me five things in the room, okay? Five things you see.”

He knew what she was trying to do, and he didn’t care because there was so much pressure on his chest and his lungs weren’t acting right and his brain wasn’t acting right and neither was he.

“There’s a table, and a- couch” He let out a sharp huff of laughter because it was stripped down and the cushions were missing but at least it smelled less like ass in here. The last three took him some more time and quite frankly the more he spoke the more annoyed he got with everything, with himself. Meredith was beside him clutching him close to her side and his head dropped to her shoulder. “We can’t just put her away. She needs time; she just needs time.”

“You know what could have happened if Amber never showed up. Something awful could have happened to her,” His breathe hitched and Alex tried to move away but she held on, she was always holding on. “I think it’s time. They’ll get her balanced, get her some help and then she can come home. Look around you, Alex. I don’t know if this was all Aaron but this whole house shows that she’s been slipping for a while.”

He closed his eyes against It but he knew, he’d known since he walked in the door.

“You know that this is the best thing, Alex. You _know_.” Meredith put her head against his and he was very, very glad that she’d chosen to sit beside him and not in front because he could feel the burn in his eyes and in his face and he really didn’t want her to see him cry.

“It keeps getting worse. Everything around me keeps breaking and crumbling. I got shot, Aaron went crazy, Aaron hurt Amber and mom is crazy again. All this crazy is always following me and I think it’s me. It’s all my fault this happened. I should have been here” She sighed, the everlasting sigh that almost took him out of It, if only just to be annoyed at her all-knowing bullshit. But now she was on her knees in front of him, forcing him to look in her eyes.

“You and I both know that I know what it is to have everything consistently crumble around you and think it’s all you. But this isn’t your fault, it’s genetics and psychology crap. This probably would have happened regardless, whether you were here or not. This isn’t on you. And I know it feels like staying here with your mom would help her, but it would only be keeping her away from doctors who were trained to help her.” Alex held her gaze and went very still. He could feel it, the ever-present mountain sitting on his chest compressing into something darker but something he could push aside. This wasn’t about him and his bitch baby feelings, it was about his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think of what's going on with them, suggestions are welcome. I can't wait for them to be back in Seattle because it'll be a lot easier to write.
> 
> I know Alex seems kind of soft but this is like the a the worst experiences of his life repeating. And Meredith is using the same method to calm them both down because it seems like the most basic thing to do.
> 
> Next Time: Alex commits his mother, finds Amber and they figure out where to go from there


End file.
